breathe through your thighs

Thrilled to be done with power yoga and putting the mat away (and pointing at Calm Eric).

So there I was, in a darkened group fitness studio, taking my first ever power yoga class.  I was wearing my lucky gnome socks and was ready to check something new off the bucket list.

“Breathe through your thighs,” he said.  I suppressed a laugh.  He let out several long, dramatic breaths.  Were those coming through his thighs?  The breaths sounded like fairly normal respiratory function to me.

We were in the first 15 minutes of the class, the portion devoted to stretching and breathing and listening to Eric talk in what I suppose was a soothing voice.

I was bored in those 15 minutes but in hindsight, I should have savored them, because the following 45 minutes were grueling.  Have you ever heard of the crow pose?  What about the side crow?  THESE ARE NOT BEGINNER POSES.  But these are what Eric was doing in this class.

We were warriors and side warriors and reverse warriors and children and trees and tables and IT WAS JUST A LOT.

And as we contorted ourselves, Eric spoke nuggets of “wisdom” and “inspiration” and “relaxation.”

Eric: “Visualize a white light seeping through your scalp.”
My thoughts: “Man, I’m so glad I don’t have dandruff.”

Eric: “Picture a red rose blooming slowly in your heart.”
My thoughts: “Roses have thorns.  This is what Jordin Sparks was talking about in Bleeding Love!”

Eric: “Picture a light blue color right between your eyes.”
My thoughts: “Ow. Why do my eyes hurt?  Am I crossing my eyes with my eyelids closed?!”

Eric: “When you embrace pain and hurt it turns to love and you become strong.”
My thoughts: “That doesn’t sound healthy.  That sounds like he is condoning domestic abuse.”

And so the class went, for nearly an hour.  Then, as we went into my favorite pose, the one where you lie flat on your back and just start to fall asleep because the class is almost over, the girl in front of me tickled my foot.  And I loudly laughed and interrupted everyone else’s peace.

Afterward, I told Eric it was my first class and he was shocked, saying that no one should begin with power yoga, and the friend who invited me (LOOKING AT YOU, AUDRA) wasn’t a friend at all.

To reward ourselves for the hour of Zumba (my thing) and hour of power yoga (clearly not my thing), I went with my girlfriends to Leonardo’s, ate two slices of pizza, then went to House of Beer, drank two beers and cried listening to romantic first date stories.  What a night.